Friday, January 31, 2014

I Forget I'm a Mom and Then...

I forget a lot of things.  Eleven months ago I could blame it all on pregnancy brain and now I have to blame it on new mom brain but soon I won't be such a new mom.  There was the time I was pushing the baby in the cart at Target and thought I forgot him at home.  I am that person that leaves their sunglasses on their head and looks for them forever.  One time Nugget was wrapped to my back and I suddenly panicked because I didn't know where he was.  I cannot be trusted to park in a parking garage without my husband or an app that takes me back to the precise location of my vehicle.  My life is in shambles because I basically suffer from mom induced short term amnesia.  Sometimes I even forget I am a mom...but then I have a week like this past week.

The other day I scraped puffs puffs of my white couch.  As I finished scraping the puff puffs off the couch I took a step and stepped on a cookie, or tootie if you are Dufda, that was then ground into my leopard print carpet.  That carpet was a surprising good buy when I was 19 years old considering now it hides a slew of dried up mum mums, rice cakes and of course puff puffs.  I think to myself,"Why do I even know what a mum mum and puff puff are?"

That same day I could not find Nugget and it was very quiet so I started to search through our super small home to find him licking toothpaste that had been dried up on the bathroom floor.  He had his tush in the air and was going to town on that delicious Aquafresh.  While Nugget is having his snack of fluoride and Red dye 30, not Red Dye 40 so we are in the clear, I think to myself, "What has my life become?"  No sooner have I removed him from licking the floor has he found a carrot that is probably 3 years old to munch on.  I don't even bother to retrieve this item from his mouth because compared to the: rock salt, lead based paint chips, hay, clumps of hair, and dog food...a fossilized carrot is at least food based and the lesser of the two evils (the other evil being bitten by his insanely sharp teeth). 

When Nugget isn't trying to ingest everything that he is not suppose to he is compulsively trying to get into the bathroom so he can press the scale button 100 times.  He will fight off Shrek to get to that scale.  Nugget's other compulsive habits?  He must hook his finger in my mouth while he is trying to fall asleep.  He must rip out every single piece of my hair while he in on my back.  As soon as you are not looking he will sprint, I use sprint loosely because he only crawls but I assure you he is fast, to the dog bowl to play in the dogs water and double fist Kibbles n' Bits.  He will one day climb Mount Everest because he loves to scale whatever object he can...then flip out because he can't get down.  When you try to disrupt any of these behaviors, he goes berserk which brings me to...

Nugget cries for the most legit reasons in the world.  Yesterday he cried because I couldn't give him any more Amoxicillin...yes, my child loves antibiotics....yum pink potion.  He cries because the dog barks.  He cries because the dog won't drink from his sippy.  He cries because I won't let him drink window cleaner.  He cries because I won't let him eat the hair out of my hair brush.  He cries because I pretend to cry because he hurt me.  

Things that would make a grown adult cry or get seriously, seriously mad...Nugget thinks are just hilarious.  He wants you to bite his fingers and the harder you bite the funnier it is that fun for him?  Pretend like you are chewing on his keys...hilarious.  Suck on his fat rolls (try that on someone other than a baby...) belly laughs all day.  Bite his butt, so funny he can't breath.

All of these things combined have made me feel very "mom" this week, a feeling I don't' usually have.  As the first of my friends to have children I find myself with no one, other than online friends, to share the random, bizarre and disgusting things that happen in a house when it is occupied by a miniature human.  The moment you have that baby, diaper bags trump design hand bags, sippy cups trump wine glasses (you wish it didn't though), you inherit this whole new set of interest that your friends just do not understand.

What made you feel really "mom" this week?


  1. The rotovirus struck my home this week. I have three boys 12, 5, and 9 months. They each took turns being sick. It was awful! I couldn't get anything done, but I got lots of cuddle time with each of them.

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